23 not enough; What does it take to be a DAD?
Biologically it cannot be denied that fathers and mothers provide 23 pairs of chromosomes equally to the child. However, in reality parenthood look different and unequal. Usually mothers are accepted as the primary care giver of the child from the day it is conceived. But the role of fathers varies extensively among generations, cultures and religions. Mostly, fathers are considered breadwinners of the family and thus the financial fulcrum. However, we have often heard stories of families where older brothers take the role of father to younger siblings, the teachers to their students or even mothers transforming themselves to fathers. But less often we come across grandfathers becoming dads.
With each passing year, I realize that ‘life’ like any other journey, has an ultimate purpose of completion. It is not a straight line, but series of interconnected events. And history has an inherent nature of repeating itself to bring the life to a full circle of meaning. While growing up, we (me and my sister) heard stories of our father’s childhood. He was the youngest of the whole batch of twelve siblings and so, had his own share of love, care and affection. Though their father was alive, their grandfather was the father figure of the family. Most importantly, how he grew under the influence of his grandfather. We often heard him referring to his grandpa and not father, for lot of his practices which affirmed his grandpa’s influence on him. He had the fondest memories with him. With time as both passed away, his elder brother became the father figure of the family. He grew up quickly with the rush of responsibilities. He had to quit studies and concentrate on earning for the family. He began his own journey by taking the challenges and facing the world of consequences of being different in his choices.
Today, it surprises me that it is a payback time for my father. Last year my father turned three, as grandfather to my sister’s two toddlers. I see how subtle but instrumental influence my father has on them. How the on-and-off presence of my brother-in-law pushed him to become a silent father figure for the family. As any other grandma’s out there, my mom was incapable of being strict towards her grandchildren and spoil them with overwhelming amount of love, care and pamper. During these testing times, my father stayed rock solid support system. He showed least amount of emotions and tried to take, as it came. Slowly, as my sister is trying to put things together, I can also see how my father is taking one step back at a time, so that a real father finds his room in the shoe.
In a world where we are constantly trying to put each and everybody in boxes and naming them with something or other, I ask you what would I call this? Is this a duty of a father towards her own daughter under distress or love towards his grandsons? A sense of sympathy towards a one month old of not knowing what a father is or returning a debt to his own grandfather? I clearly see, for him life is coming to a full circle. I believe he has made his forefathers content through his selflessness.
To be a dad you don’t need to become mom. Men and women are wired different, both biologically and emotionally. I think, because a mother is physically needed for the basic requirements of the child, a father can best become an emotional support to them as a family. In those times, the mother needs to feel enough to both the new baby and to the father. This can be done easily by showing genuine emotions by the husband. It is high time that men also learn to show their vulnerabilities which they go through. Those moments, of insecurity, weakness, pain and need for compassion, are very humane and are best taken care by sharing.
P.S. Dedicated to all the great and not-so-great dads out there!
